A snapshot

So I was asked to write "my story" for a newsletter for a company I'm going to be doing some work for. My story being a bit about me so that peeps that train with this company get to know me a little. I'd been meaning to write something similar for my own website anyway, for an "about me" page, so sat down and wrote it this morning. The person who hired me thought it was quite good, so I thought I'd blog it as well :)

This is my story (well a snapshot really):

It’s fair to say I was a fairly active kid. I grew up playing outside, anything from hide and seek, climbing trees to street cricket ... if there was something going on, I wanted to be a part of it. I played netball, baseball, even gave ballet a crack, although that was fairly shortlived (I’ve never been a girly girl, and the tutus just weren’t me, plus I didn’t have the discipline or concentration span for it J )

It’s funny though, although I played sports I never saw myself as particularly good at them as I’ve got average coordination (as evidenced by anyone who saw me in my one and only step class participation). I kept at it though; I love to play even if I’m not the best on the field. I’m competitive by nature, and love to be outdoors.

As I grew older, I started to play squash with friends, then started playing touch footy. I played that for a few seasons and absolutely loved it, until I tore the meniscus in my knee, effectively sidelining me.

I’ve always had a customer service aspect to my jobs. I started at McDonald’s which instilled in me the work hard ethic. I moved on to the cinemas where I did everything from sell tickets, to clean cinemas, I even was a projectionist for a time, running up to 6 movies at a go! After being there for 8 years I moved on to IBM for a job in IT. I started off on the helpdesk, resetting passwords (turn the caps lock off people!), then into a project management office role, where I was a liaison between customers and vendors. I’d always wanted an office job, just to see what it was like, my very own desk and phone and computer, I thought man, that’d be the life!

It was at this point in my life that I found out what it was like to be at a desk for 8 hours a day. I had never really thought about my nutrition, and this combined with sitting on my backside each day, then going home and sitting on the lounge watching telly, brought about a few changes. Most noticeably I managed to put on 15kg over the space of a few years. I became unhappy with my body, unhappy with how I felt, how I looked, and started to have a more negative outlook on life, which not only affected me, but my home life. I started to think that this would be what my life would be like from now on.

Until one day I was watching the American version of The Biggest Loser. The main female trainer on there, Jillian Michaels, opened my eyes to what I was doing and what I was settling for. I saw her help people transform themselves, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. I wanted some of that action! This was only solidified when we got our own version of the show, and I saw Michelle Bridges do the same.

I joined a gym and got a personal trainer. It took a while for me to get started, for me to truly change my lifestyle, but once the switch had been flicked in my head, off I went. Healthy eating became the norm, I was exercising 5 days/week. I lost the 15kgs, and have been able to maintain a healthy weight now for a few years.

By this point, I’d had enough of the corporate lifestyle and desk job of IBM. It just didn’t suit my personality. I’d seen how much my life had changed from having a trainer and focusing on my health, and I wanted to pay it forward, help others do the same.

So, I completed my Cert III and Cert IV at AIF, chucked in my day job and became a trainer at Fitness First. I’ve been there for just over 14 months and am now looking to diversify, and embrace my love of outdoor fitness.

Shining the light on my excuses

So I’ve been procrastinating about doing my pre season tasks. Today I finally sat down and did Task 2. At first I was just doing the basic excuses ... I’m too tired, I’m too busy .... submitted them but my conscience was nagging me. I wasn’t digging deep enough, I was just phoning it in. Part of that was that this is the 3rd round I’ve done, so I was getting complacent, just writing down old excuses, not really thinking about it. Another part of it was the feeling that this task didn’t really apply to me .... I’m a PT I shouldn’t need to do this task, I’m golden. Except ... I’m not. My nutrition and exercise has fallen in a big hole over the last few months.

Gave myself a mental uppercut and thought .... right, dig deep mate, why have you fallen in the hole, why haven’t you dug yourself out as yet?

And I came up with the following excuses:

- I’ve let my strength and fitness slip too far
- I’m not strong enough mentally, I’m just going to crash and burn halfway through
- I can’t be good for 12 weeks, it’s beyond my capacity

And a big one for me

- I’m never going to be good enough

Self confidence lies at the root of all of these. Doubt in myself, my abilities, my mental strength. This is what I need to turn around this round. My solutions to the excuses are as follows:

- I’m not strong enough mentally, I’m just going to crash and burn halfway through - reach out for support, don’t leave it until too late (I’ve done this in the past, I am not good at asking for help, don’t want people to think I am weak and needy)
- I can’t be good for 12 weeks, it’s beyond my capacity - you stayed off alcohol for 12 weeks bar one night in round1, you can do it again. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

So, I draw a line in the sand ... today! I am going to give this round 100%, I will not flinch at doing what is asked of me, and I will dig deep and work on my issues.

Meltdown

So yesterday I had a bit of a meltdown. Not pretty, but then meltdowns rarely are. I think this one has been brewing for a while, but I'd been kidding myself that I was handling my shit better than I actually was.

I've been feeling a bit lost for a while now. I don't have my nutrition or exercise on track, and I've been drinking way too much. Which cycles back to being unhappy with myself ... I'm an expert at beating myself up.

I know that the goal setting task is due, but I am waiting for the criteria for lean and strong to become known before I set my goals. Which yes, is no excuse for not doing any exercise whatsoever. And just because the round hasn't started as yet does not mean I have a free pass to eat and drink whatever I like.

So yesterday morning, feeling hungover and irritable, went to shops with my husband to do some food shopping. Had a pointless argument on the way there. I felt that he was shooting all my ideas down, he felt that he praises me a lot and I just happen to not remember that. Argument did not end well.

Me: "I find it frustrating talking to you"
Him: "Well I find it frustrating that you have a selective memory and you exaggerate"

Frosty silence ensued. Add in the fact that it's TTOM for me, and my fuse was about a millimetre long.

Walking along in the shops, I wasn't watching where I was going, and I walked into this chick who I didn't see. As in didn't see at all, so walked into her full tilt. Obviously she was a bit unhappy at being bowled into, so I apologised profusely, and off she went.

And for some reason that was the final straw. I took one look at my husband and burst into tears. He was a bit taken aback but gave me a hug until I calmed down.

The rest of the day I was feeling quite flat, and we continued to argue on and off, until a massive argument at the end of the day. He feels better for airing his feelings, I just feel drained.

Anyway, today is a new day. I know I need to do something, to pull myself out of this rut. So today I organised to go along to Crossfit on Saturday for the first time. I think the structure and intensity will be just what I need. And yes, I will complete the pre season tasks, lay the foundation for a successful round.

Ding ding ding! Round 1 about to start

So round 1 of 12WBT is about to start. Well the pre-season anyway. Pre-season starts this Sunday, then in 4 weeks time the actual round starts.

I'm going to sign up again, although it is $200 that I can't really afford right now. But it is important that I do it.

About halfway through round 3 last year I kinda dropped my bundle. One of my commitments was no alcohol whatsoever for the 12 weeks. Unfortunately I was going through a stressful time at the same time, and eventually it became too much for me, and yet again I turned to my old (toxic) friend alcohol. What I didn't realise was that this step was the first step in the ending of an important friendship. A friendship which became rapidly frightening, controlling and abusive (emotionally).

Throw into the mix a not happy home environment, complete with yelling arguments, a stressful holiday away, and our dog of 13 years needing to be put down and by the end of it all I was a complete mess. Nutrition ... gone! Exercise ... gone! Motivation to do anything really ... gone! I retreated from the world (albeit still on Twitter, just more sporadically), and went through a period of what I now believe looking back was depression.

I am goal-less at the moment, and feeling a bit adrift from the world. My nutrition is sometimes good, sometimes not. Alcohol has become a common occurrence again. I did start back on my exercise week before last, but a sprained ankle laid me low. Yes, I know I can do upper body and core. Must get on that lol.

Anyways, last year when I heard there was going to be a strong and lean category for 12WBT I became excited. I get to compete! I'm hanging to find out the criteria for it, as I need a goal to aim for, and I reckon this could be it. I'm still reasonably lean, even with putting on a few kilos since last year. And I know I can get stronger.

The biggest thing in my favour though is my support network through the friends I've made in 12WBT. The last couple of months has shown me who I can trust, and who I cannot. (Don't unfollow me, then tell me not to take it personally ... I take it personally ... especially if I helped you move, and shared many a coffee with you ... and suddenly I'm not interesting enough to follow?? /vent over)

I could have easily stayed in retreat, and decided not to trust anyone again. But throughout it all my best friend stayed by my side, stayed constant, and reassured me that not everyone was out to hurt me.

So bring on Round 1!! I look forward to smashing it up, and helping my friends do their utmost to achieve their goals. Hang on peeps, it's going to be a wild ride!!

I'm back baby!

Ok, so it's been 5 months since I blogged last. Why you ask? Well, I tend to be fairly honest about my life on this blog, and there are quite a few aspects of my life that my family don't know about. They don't know about the drinking, they don't know I am still prone to panic attacks, etc etc

Anyways, when I put a new post up I tend to put the link up on Twitter. No big deal, as my family don't do the Twitter thing, only Facebook. Which is why most of the time you'll see only very generic things on Facebook. However, my brother decided to join Twitter. Uh oh. I privatised my blog in a hurry, so that no one could see it.

Since then, I don't believe my brother has been on Twitter at all, so it was probably just a knee jerk reaction from me. Plus, today I took a look, and found I can actually control who can see this blog. I do love me some control (yes, slight control issues lol).

So back in business, let the blogging recommence! :)

Sickness and fainting

Well, those of you who follow me on Twitter and Facebook know I've been sick for 5 days now with what I think is the flu. Symptoms have been the following:

• fever
• skin sensitive to touch
• cough from hell
• light headedness
• tiredness
• general blah feeling (yes that's the technical term)

And as of last night, one new symptom which I hope to goodness was a one off ... fainting. I've come close to fainting a couple of times in my life, but this was the first one where it actually happened. I'm hoping that writing it down will stop it replaying in my head

This is how it happened:

My throat is dry so I've been drinking water like it's no tomorrow, through the day and through the night. Glass empty, I got up out of bed and went to the ensuite. Whoa, I don't feel so good all of a sudden, put glass down on counter, lean on counter. Dots start appearing before my eyes ... uh oh, I think I'm going to faint if I don't sit down, go towards toilet to sit ... ow, why am I falling out of bed .. ow ow ... how did I manage to fall between my bed and the bedside table ... pause .. wait, why didn't Brian wake up and hear that ... pause .. oh, I'm in the ensuite on the floor next to the toilet ... I just fainted ... ok quick what is the first aid for someone who's fainted ... um ... put feet up ... lay on tiled floor with feet up on step for bath ... the tiles are cold, refreshing ... I can feel my heart pounding

So I lay there for a while then realised I'd have to get back to bed. Was scared that I'd faint on the way back to bed, but I got there ok. Looked at clock, 2am and now I'm wiiide awake, mulling over what just happened. Very restless sleep for the rest of the night.

Today, still not feeling the best, some friends of mine nagged (oops, I mean convinced) me into making an appointment with my doctor. They aren't in today, but will be tomorrow. I have the feeling they are just going to say rest and fluids, but will go just to rule out anything more serious.

Making a difference

Well, the day by day thing seems to be going ok, yesterday only had one glass of wine, today so far, zero. Getting a bit more brave with my running, did 14k yesterday. Was hard work too, especially with a hangover. Felt ok whilst I was running (apart from wishing for an extra lung), but as soon as I stopped and sat down in the car I started bucketing sweat and felt quite ill and lightheaded. Sipped on some water and made my way home, started to feel a little better as time went on. Peak hour traffic meant it took me an hour to get home, my body certainly didn't want that straight after a big run, stiffened up big time.

As for motivation for training others, I'm actually getting more motivation and joy out of training friends and 12WBT peeps than my gym clients at the moment. I think it's because I know that they've made a commitment, I know that they are working to better themselves and make good food choices. Plus, I really do honestly care about them as friends, it's a deeper bond I think than with my gym clients.

I like to think that I'm making a difference. At a time when I'm not feeling like there is much purpose to my being on this planet, I'd like to think that in my small way I can help people. Help them get fitter and healthier, help them feel better about themselves, help them spend some time looking after themselves.