Monday, July 19, 2010

Day by day

This is not going to be a super happy post, so if you are looking for a positive lift, you may want to click away now ....

It's been a weird few weeks, I must say. I've been feeling kinda low for a while now. At first I thought it was because 12WBT had finished, but I don't think that is it. I let my diet and exercise go to the point where I started to put weight on again, and was over the weight range I've set myself to stay in. And it affected my self confidence, in every aspect of my life. I've started not looking forward to going to work, as I don't know what I can give to these people. If I can't look after myself, what right do I have to tell others how to look after themselves.

To attempt to pull myself out of it, I set myself a big goal, to run the Blackmores half marathon. Physically, I see no reason why I shouldn't be able to do it, providing I train right. Mentally and emotionally though, I don't know that I'm tough enough. I'm hoping that as I continue to train that the mental toughness will come.

Yesterday I did the food shopping. Hubby has been sick and he put down on the shopping list "treat for Brian" "treat for Amanda". I bought him a chocolate orange as that's his favourite and I knew he'd like it. As for a treat for me ... you know I don't really feel like I deserve a treat. Was tempted to eat Maccas, but all I could here in my head was Michelle "really? That's how you are going to treat yourself, by putting bad food into your body?" *sigh* looks like her influence is still alive and well ... I would like her to think well of me, so I didn't have the Maccas. Into Coles I went, bought some healthy food, then went down the chocolate aisle for Brian's treat. Stopped at the Kingston creams ... picked them up, held them for a while, then thought to myself "really think about what this decision means, do you really want them?" Put them back on the shelf.

I did buy mostly healthy stuff, did crack and buy apple pies and ice cream though. Then went to Dan Murphys and bought a six pack of Chardonnay.

Last night I drank until I blacked out ... again ... *sigh* I guess I get sick of feeling low and just want to not feel for a little while. But, I know this is not healthy. So back on track today, I'm going to take this day by day, and continue to fight to get back to being healthy. Maybe at some point I'll believe I deserve it.

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