Friends

In the last couple of months I've had quite the influx of Christian people/friends in my life. As an atheist, you'd think that we wouldn't have that much in common. But the ones I've become friends with I find are absolutely amazing people.

I was talking about it with a work colleague/friend at morning tea today. I've found that I am really attracted to them (not in a romantic sense) and it's because they are happy, positive, caring people. We've found common ground in that we are both trying to improve ourselves, them through their faith, and wish to become better people/Christians, me through my diet/lifestyle/opening up to people. And also some of them were doing bootcamp with me, so we bonded through exercise, encouraging each other to do better.

So, although I don't think I'll ever be a Christian again in my life (I'm guessing not believing in God is always going to be a sticking point lol), I am lucky to have these people in my life, and I embrace the positive that comes from it.

Yes, I am still alive

It's been a difficult couple of months personally/emotionally/mentally. Couple that with a rock bottom self esteem and you get a pretty silent me on the blogging front.

Towards the end of last year I was in a more positive place. I'd lost the weight I'd wanted to lose, I wasn't drinking, I was eating healthy, and I was starting to open up more to my friends.

Then, just before Christmas I went on leave for a couple of weeks. Cue me going back to all my old habits. My diet became unhealthy, I went back to drinking excessively, and I became more insular. I was still going to the gym, but not as much, and my motivation to go had taken a dive. And I don't really know why. It was like I suddenly went into a massive downward negative spiral. All I knew was that I was falling apart big time, and I wasn't sure how to pull myself out of it. It was very scary, I was fully aware I was in a bad place in my head.

So, I reached out for help.

I think I've mentioned before that my personal trainer has over time become a friend as well. This was true, but it was also true that I hadn't really opened up to her, hadn't let her in. She didn't know about the panic attacks, she didn't know about the drinking. I started to doubt that she was even a friend, that as far as I was concerned, she just saw me as another client.

I think I knew deep down though, that she did care. So one day I emailed her, and let her know that I was really struggling. And she's been amazing. She is my friend, and she does care about me, which I find absolutely amazing :)

My diet is back on track, I'm 8 days alcohol free, and I'm exercising hard 4 times a week.

I know I've got a lot of work still to do, get to the bottom of my issues, work out how to guard against a free fall again. I'm off to the psychologist again next week, and I need to do the deeper work, to work through my issues.