Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Yes, I am still alive

It's been a difficult couple of months personally/emotionally/mentally. Couple that with a rock bottom self esteem and you get a pretty silent me on the blogging front.

Towards the end of last year I was in a more positive place. I'd lost the weight I'd wanted to lose, I wasn't drinking, I was eating healthy, and I was starting to open up more to my friends.

Then, just before Christmas I went on leave for a couple of weeks. Cue me going back to all my old habits. My diet became unhealthy, I went back to drinking excessively, and I became more insular. I was still going to the gym, but not as much, and my motivation to go had taken a dive. And I don't really know why. It was like I suddenly went into a massive downward negative spiral. All I knew was that I was falling apart big time, and I wasn't sure how to pull myself out of it. It was very scary, I was fully aware I was in a bad place in my head.

So, I reached out for help.

I think I've mentioned before that my personal trainer has over time become a friend as well. This was true, but it was also true that I hadn't really opened up to her, hadn't let her in. She didn't know about the panic attacks, she didn't know about the drinking. I started to doubt that she was even a friend, that as far as I was concerned, she just saw me as another client.

I think I knew deep down though, that she did care. So one day I emailed her, and let her know that I was really struggling. And she's been amazing. She is my friend, and she does care about me, which I find absolutely amazing :)

My diet is back on track, I'm 8 days alcohol free, and I'm exercising hard 4 times a week.

I know I've got a lot of work still to do, get to the bottom of my issues, work out how to guard against a free fall again. I'm off to the psychologist again next week, and I need to do the deeper work, to work through my issues.

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