Meltdown

So yesterday I had a bit of a meltdown. Not pretty, but then meltdowns rarely are. I think this one has been brewing for a while, but I'd been kidding myself that I was handling my shit better than I actually was.

I've been feeling a bit lost for a while now. I don't have my nutrition or exercise on track, and I've been drinking way too much. Which cycles back to being unhappy with myself ... I'm an expert at beating myself up.

I know that the goal setting task is due, but I am waiting for the criteria for lean and strong to become known before I set my goals. Which yes, is no excuse for not doing any exercise whatsoever. And just because the round hasn't started as yet does not mean I have a free pass to eat and drink whatever I like.

So yesterday morning, feeling hungover and irritable, went to shops with my husband to do some food shopping. Had a pointless argument on the way there. I felt that he was shooting all my ideas down, he felt that he praises me a lot and I just happen to not remember that. Argument did not end well.

Me: "I find it frustrating talking to you"
Him: "Well I find it frustrating that you have a selective memory and you exaggerate"

Frosty silence ensued. Add in the fact that it's TTOM for me, and my fuse was about a millimetre long.

Walking along in the shops, I wasn't watching where I was going, and I walked into this chick who I didn't see. As in didn't see at all, so walked into her full tilt. Obviously she was a bit unhappy at being bowled into, so I apologised profusely, and off she went.

And for some reason that was the final straw. I took one look at my husband and burst into tears. He was a bit taken aback but gave me a hug until I calmed down.

The rest of the day I was feeling quite flat, and we continued to argue on and off, until a massive argument at the end of the day. He feels better for airing his feelings, I just feel drained.

Anyway, today is a new day. I know I need to do something, to pull myself out of this rut. So today I organised to go along to Crossfit on Saturday for the first time. I think the structure and intensity will be just what I need. And yes, I will complete the pre season tasks, lay the foundation for a successful round.

Ding ding ding! Round 1 about to start

So round 1 of 12WBT is about to start. Well the pre-season anyway. Pre-season starts this Sunday, then in 4 weeks time the actual round starts.

I'm going to sign up again, although it is $200 that I can't really afford right now. But it is important that I do it.

About halfway through round 3 last year I kinda dropped my bundle. One of my commitments was no alcohol whatsoever for the 12 weeks. Unfortunately I was going through a stressful time at the same time, and eventually it became too much for me, and yet again I turned to my old (toxic) friend alcohol. What I didn't realise was that this step was the first step in the ending of an important friendship. A friendship which became rapidly frightening, controlling and abusive (emotionally).

Throw into the mix a not happy home environment, complete with yelling arguments, a stressful holiday away, and our dog of 13 years needing to be put down and by the end of it all I was a complete mess. Nutrition ... gone! Exercise ... gone! Motivation to do anything really ... gone! I retreated from the world (albeit still on Twitter, just more sporadically), and went through a period of what I now believe looking back was depression.

I am goal-less at the moment, and feeling a bit adrift from the world. My nutrition is sometimes good, sometimes not. Alcohol has become a common occurrence again. I did start back on my exercise week before last, but a sprained ankle laid me low. Yes, I know I can do upper body and core. Must get on that lol.

Anyways, last year when I heard there was going to be a strong and lean category for 12WBT I became excited. I get to compete! I'm hanging to find out the criteria for it, as I need a goal to aim for, and I reckon this could be it. I'm still reasonably lean, even with putting on a few kilos since last year. And I know I can get stronger.

The biggest thing in my favour though is my support network through the friends I've made in 12WBT. The last couple of months has shown me who I can trust, and who I cannot. (Don't unfollow me, then tell me not to take it personally ... I take it personally ... especially if I helped you move, and shared many a coffee with you ... and suddenly I'm not interesting enough to follow?? /vent over)

I could have easily stayed in retreat, and decided not to trust anyone again. But throughout it all my best friend stayed by my side, stayed constant, and reassured me that not everyone was out to hurt me.

So bring on Round 1!! I look forward to smashing it up, and helping my friends do their utmost to achieve their goals. Hang on peeps, it's going to be a wild ride!!

I'm back baby!

Ok, so it's been 5 months since I blogged last. Why you ask? Well, I tend to be fairly honest about my life on this blog, and there are quite a few aspects of my life that my family don't know about. They don't know about the drinking, they don't know I am still prone to panic attacks, etc etc

Anyways, when I put a new post up I tend to put the link up on Twitter. No big deal, as my family don't do the Twitter thing, only Facebook. Which is why most of the time you'll see only very generic things on Facebook. However, my brother decided to join Twitter. Uh oh. I privatised my blog in a hurry, so that no one could see it.

Since then, I don't believe my brother has been on Twitter at all, so it was probably just a knee jerk reaction from me. Plus, today I took a look, and found I can actually control who can see this blog. I do love me some control (yes, slight control issues lol).

So back in business, let the blogging recommence! :)