Monday, January 31, 2011

Meltdown

So yesterday I had a bit of a meltdown. Not pretty, but then meltdowns rarely are. I think this one has been brewing for a while, but I'd been kidding myself that I was handling my shit better than I actually was.

I've been feeling a bit lost for a while now. I don't have my nutrition or exercise on track, and I've been drinking way too much. Which cycles back to being unhappy with myself ... I'm an expert at beating myself up.

I know that the goal setting task is due, but I am waiting for the criteria for lean and strong to become known before I set my goals. Which yes, is no excuse for not doing any exercise whatsoever. And just because the round hasn't started as yet does not mean I have a free pass to eat and drink whatever I like.

So yesterday morning, feeling hungover and irritable, went to shops with my husband to do some food shopping. Had a pointless argument on the way there. I felt that he was shooting all my ideas down, he felt that he praises me a lot and I just happen to not remember that. Argument did not end well.

Me: "I find it frustrating talking to you"
Him: "Well I find it frustrating that you have a selective memory and you exaggerate"

Frosty silence ensued. Add in the fact that it's TTOM for me, and my fuse was about a millimetre long.

Walking along in the shops, I wasn't watching where I was going, and I walked into this chick who I didn't see. As in didn't see at all, so walked into her full tilt. Obviously she was a bit unhappy at being bowled into, so I apologised profusely, and off she went.

And for some reason that was the final straw. I took one look at my husband and burst into tears. He was a bit taken aback but gave me a hug until I calmed down.

The rest of the day I was feeling quite flat, and we continued to argue on and off, until a massive argument at the end of the day. He feels better for airing his feelings, I just feel drained.

Anyway, today is a new day. I know I need to do something, to pull myself out of this rut. So today I organised to go along to Crossfit on Saturday for the first time. I think the structure and intensity will be just what I need. And yes, I will complete the pre season tasks, lay the foundation for a successful round.

5 comments:

Lisa said...

Awesomely honest post my friend.

It's been a very trying time for you over the last few months and you've done so well to manage all the stresses so far.

I know that once you get some goals & a purpose you will be back into the swing of things with a vengeance!!

I think crossfit could be an excellent activity for you to get into. Will give you a vehicle to channel your feelings & energy.

You've got my total unconditional support. We will do this together. you deserve your time to shine hon

Lisa

Sue said...

Mate, I didn't realise that you were going through so much. I'm only a phone call away if you ever want to go for coffee or chat :)
Like Lisa said, Crossfit will be great for you to get into.
You know you have my support matey

Sue
xx

Amanda said...

Thanks guys. I truly do appreciate your support.

@Lisa - thanks honey, if it wasn't for your support I think I'd be curled up in the fetal position by now lol

@Sue - I don't tend to tell people what is going on for me, as I don't want to be seen as one of those needy people that are always banging on about their problems, rather than getting on with things. Also, after the stuff that happened with our mutual Parra friend, I became a fair bit more insular, retreating from everyone for a while.
And would love to get together for a coffee and a chat

Kris said...

Hey Amanda,

Just catching up on some reading.. Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. Its hard to keep the 'poker' face on all the time. Hopefully, you have us around you who you know you can vent/ scream/ cry with as I am sure we will do with you.

I was saying to Lisa. It must be something in the air. We are arguing this end too. It tiring and frustrating. I am choosing not to buy into too much (perhaps denial) and getting on with things. Its not easy.

The one thing I would say is do you think the lean and strong program is going to be all that different and have set end points?? The only reason I ask is that you are pushing back setting your goals when perhaps you should set your goals and then readjust if and when the lean and strong program comes out. Just food for thought. It might help you have direction leading into the start of this Rd.

Hope you have a nice couple of days..

KP

Jenn said...

mwah xxx