As previously said I struggle with self esteem. I believe that part of it is that growing up I struggled to make friends. I was a shy kid who didn't really know how to relate to the other kids.
And for a time, I had no friends at school at all. Looking back I know kids can be mean, that that seems to be part of being a kid. But I remember when the group of kids I hung out with took turns telling me they didn't like me and I was no longer a member of their group. And no one else asked me to be in their group. So lunchtimes were a solitary time for me. It was hard.
I grew to believe that there was something wrong with me. That something intrinsic to my nature turned people away.
Today I have friends. My husband is my best friend. I have friends I know I can turn to in times of trouble. But in the back of my head is still the fear that one day they'll realise they don't like me after all, they'll find the intrinsic wrong part of me.
This holds me back from being overly open with people. I don't share my fears readily, or the fact that I suffer from panic attacks, thinking that people will see me as weak, and not worth their time. My psychologist is trying to help me with this. She tells me that most people are kind and good, and the ones who aren't are not worth worrying about. So I've been trying to open up a bit, let people in.
Part of the reason for this blog is to try to write out my fears, get them out in the open, try to understand them, and hopefully grow past them.
So each day at least in my head I'm going to think something positive about myself, to turn my negative head into a positive one.
Hmmm .... let's see ... I worked hard today and got a lot done, today I'm a good worker.