Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Was it something I said?

As previously said I struggle with self esteem. I believe that part of it is that growing up I struggled to make friends. I was a shy kid who didn't really know how to relate to the other kids.

And for a time, I had no friends at school at all. Looking back I know kids can be mean, that that seems to be part of being a kid. But I remember when the group of kids I hung out with took turns telling me they didn't like me and I was no longer a member of their group. And no one else asked me to be in their group. So lunchtimes were a solitary time for me. It was hard.

I grew to believe that there was something wrong with me. That something intrinsic to my nature turned people away.

Today I have friends. My husband is my best friend. I have friends I know I can turn to in times of trouble. But in the back of my head is still the fear that one day they'll realise they don't like me after all, they'll find the intrinsic wrong part of me.

This holds me back from being overly open with people. I don't share my fears readily, or the fact that I suffer from panic attacks, thinking that people will see me as weak, and not worth their time. My psychologist is trying to help me with this. She tells me that most people are kind and good, and the ones who aren't are not worth worrying about. So I've been trying to open up a bit, let people in.

Part of the reason for this blog is to try to write out my fears, get them out in the open, try to understand them, and hopefully grow past them.

So each day at least in my head I'm going to think something positive about myself, to turn my negative head into a positive one.

Hmmm .... let's see ... I worked hard today and got a lot done, today I'm a good worker.


Snoozen said...

My positive and immediate thought of you is you are kind. So repeat after me 10 times I am a kind person and while doing that smile a little secret smile knowing that people think you are kind and most importantly you know you are kind!

kaz said...

Well just stick this in your lollipop and suck on it - i love you unconditionally so it doesn't matter what you do or say (really) even if i don't agree with it,i love you anyway..B or no B..
Besides,if you were perfect that would make the rest of us feel bad :D
Its funny as kids we don't really talk about the things that hurt us most - In primary i was teased for having glasses and then because my boobs grew before everyone elses - i hunched over for the whole of 6th grade..and never talked it over with anyone.

Fleat said...

Thanks guys.

Kaz - I love you too. I think as kids we're not really encouraged to talk about what hurts us (at least in my family anyways), and if we aren't asked, then we're unlikely as kids to volunteer info on something that we find embarrassing or humiliating ...