Stuff of nightmares

I've always been a dreamer, in that I dream most nights, and tend to remember my dreams for a little while after. Not a long while, but an hour or so the next day. What goes along with that is that sometimes, the dreams, they are not so nice. The not so nice ones I remember for a bit longer.

Nightmares for me tend to be variations on a theme. The major one is that there is a bad man, and he is trying to kill me. I think this may well be a side effect from reading a lot of Stephen King as an impressionable teenager. The bad guy from The Stand springs to mind quite readily. These days I tend not to read horror books or watch horror movies.

Last night I dreamt (hmm that's not a word ... dreamed maybe?) I was home alone. Except it was a home that doesn't look like the one I actually live in. I'd walked home and there was a guy in navy work clothes in a navy van along the way. Then I was home looking out, and the same guy was walking past with another guy and as he walked past he nodded towards my house, as if to say, this is the one. Somehow I knew that they wanted to kill me (fun dream huh?). I called the police but they said there wasn't enough to go on.

Next I remember is the guy ringing the door bell. I talked to him through the intercom, he wanted to wash the windows. I explained I wasn't interested (feeling of terror pervading dream at this point). He kept on insisting, I kept on saying I wasn't interested, then it was like I could see through the door, I saw him pull a gun out. I think I mostly woke up at that point, and made up the rest of the story while I was awake, that I called the police and they came and got him. I woke up all the way after that, and it felt like adrenalin had been pumped through me, I still had a sense of dread.

Gave B a hug and went back to sleep eventually.

Guess it is a good thing I'm seeing a psych huh!

I have a life .... just

Harvey over at Bad Example put up a post the other day about how he'd heard supposedly if you've seen more than 85 movies, you have no life.

The list is posted below, with an x for ones I've seen. From the list I've seen 83. Mind you, there are a couple hundred not on the below list that I have seen .... lol. Plus, I didn't count ones that I started watching and fell asleep during.

()Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x)Pirates of the Caribbean
() Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
() Boondock Saints
(x) Fight Club
() Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
() Blazing Saddles
(x) Universal Soldier
() Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
() Along Came Polly
(x) Deep Impact
() KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
() Meet the Fockers
() Eight Crazy Nights
() Joe Dirt
() KING KONG
Total so far: 8

() A Cinderella Story
() The Terminal
() The Lizzie McGuire Movie
() Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
() Dumber & Dumberer
() Final Destination
() Final Destination 2
() Final Destination 3
() Halloween
(x) The Ring
() The Ring 2
() Surviving X-MAS
() Flubber
Total so far: 10

() Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(x) Practical Magic
(x) Chicago
() Ghost Ship
() From Hell
() Hellboy
() Secret Window
(x) I Am Sam
(x) The Whole Nine Yards
() The Whole Ten Yards
Total so far: 14

(x) The Day After Tomorrow
() Child's Play
() Seed of Chucky
() Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
() Just Married
() Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles
() Remember the Titans
() Coach Carter
() The Grudge
() The Grudge 2
(x) The Mask
() Son Of The Mask
Total so far: 19

(x) Bad Boys
(x) Bad Boys 2
() Joy Ride
() Lucky Number Slevin
(x) Ocean's Eleven
(x) Ocean's Twelve
(x) Bourne Identity
(x) Bourne Supremecy
() Lone Star
(x) Bedazzled
(x) Predator I
(x) Predator II
() The Fog
(x) Ice Age
(x) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
() Curious George
Total so far: 30

(x) Independence Day
() Cujo
() A Bronx Tale
() Darkness Falls
() Christine
(x) ET
() Children of the Corn
() My Bosses Daughter
(x) Maid in Manhattan
() War of the Worlds
(x) Rush Hour
(x) Rush Hour 2
Total so far: 35

() Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
() She's All That
() Calendar Girls
() Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks!
(x) Event Horizon
() Ever After
() Wizard of Oz
(x) Forrest Gump
(x) Big Trouble in Little China
(x) The Terminator
(x) The Terminator 2
(x) The Terminator 3
Total so far: 43

(x) X-Men
(x) X2
() X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
() Sky High
() Jeepers Creepers
() Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
() The Little Mermaid
(x) Freaky Friday
(x) Reign of Fire
() The Skulls
(x) Cruel Intentions
() Cruel Intentions 2
() The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek
(x) Shrek 2
(x) Shrek 3
Total so far: 54

() Swimfan
() Miracle on 34th street
() Old School
(x) The Notebook
() K-Pax
() Kippendorf's Tribe
() A Walk to Remember
() Ice Castles
() Boogeyman
() The 40-year-old-virgin
Total so far: 55

(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(x) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(x) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
Total so far: 61

() Baseketball
() Hostel
() Waiting for Guffman
() House of 1000 Corpses
() Devils Rejects
() Elf
(x) Highlander
() Mothman Prophecies
(x) American History X
() Three
Total so Far: 63

() The Jacket
() Kung Fu Hustle
() Shaolin Soccer
() Night Watch
(x) Monsters Inc.
(x) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
() Shaun Of the Dead
() Willard
Total so far: 66

() High Tension
() Club Dread
(x) Hulk
() Dawn Of the Dead
() Hook
(x) Chronicle Of Narnia The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
() 28 days later
() Orgazmo
() Phantasm
(x ) Waterworld
Total so far: 69

(x) Kill Bill vol 1
(x) Kill Bill vol 2
() Mortal Kombat
() Wolf Creek
() Kingdom of Heaven
() The Hills Have Eyes
() I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
() The Last House on the Left
() Re-Animator
() Army of Darkness
Total so far: 71

(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(x) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(x) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
( ) Ewoks The Battle For Endor
Total so far: 77

(x) The Matrix
(x) The Matrix Reloaded
(x) The Matrix Revolutions
() Animatrix
() Evil Dead
() Evil Dead 2
(x) Team America: World Police
() Red Dragon
(x) Silence of the Lambs
(x) Hannibal

Final total: 83

Heath Ledger dead at 28

Arrived at work this morning to the news that Heath Ledger had died. So very sad.

Like many others I loved his movies, I've watched "Ten things I hate about you" and "A Knight's tale" countless times. So young to die, such a waste.

I feel so sad for his young daughter too, only 2 years old and she's lost her Dad.

It doesn't seem real that he's dead, just really unbelievable news. Hard to imagine we'll never see that cheeky smile again.

* photo comes from website Rotten Tomatoes

New email address

I've created myself a new email address for this blog if people wish to contact me. If you don't want to leave a comment but would like to send me a message, just click here

Comfort food

Back in my aussie wife days I used to be an occasional contributor to the Carnival of the Recipes. I haven't contributed as yet in my new blog home, so thought I would this week. Problem is that it is now 10:53pm Saturday CST, and the recipes were supposed to be in by noon Saturday ....

Ah, what the heck, I'll submit it anyway and see if it gets in.

So the theme this week is comfort food. I had a fair think about this, as there were a few I could choose from, as I do love me some comfort food. I gave B a short list, and let him pick which one would be blogged today.

And the winner is .... Cottage Pie.

This is a recipe that I have made time and time again, and for me is very much a comfort food. I've made it for B and I, for friends when they came over, and for friends and family who've just had a baby and don't have much time for cooking. And it tends to get good reviews.

The recipe itself comes from a recipe book called "Family Circle Popular Potato Recipes" which is a little book that I bought at a checkout at the supermarket.

Here it is ... enjoy!

American translations in brackets

Cottage Pie

Ingredients

1 tbsp olive oil
2 small onions, chopped
500g beef mince (approx 1lb ground beef)
1 tbsp plain flour
1 x 440g (15.5 oz) can tomatoes, drained, juice reserved
1 beef stock cube, crumbled (bouillon cube)
2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
1/2 cup frozen peas
2 medium carrots, finely chopped
4 large potatoes (1.3kg/2.9 pounds), peeled and chopped
either milk or 1/4 cup sour cream
freshly ground pepper

Method

1. Preheat oven to moderate 180 deg C (356 deg F). Heat oil in a heavy-based pan; add onion. Cook over medium high heat until soft. Add mince. Cook 10 minutes or until well browned and almost all liquid has evaporated. Use a fork to break up any lumps of mince as it cooks.
2. Blend flour with a little reserved tomato juice until smooth. Add sufficient water to remaining tomato juice to make up 1 cup. Blend into the flour mixture with crumbled stock cube.
3. Gradually add liquid to mince mixture, stirring constantly over medium high heat. Add the tomatoes, Worcestershire sauce, peas and carrots. Mix well. Bring to the boil and simmer, covered, for 25 minutes or until the meat is tender.
4. Cook the potato until tender. (The recipe in the book at this point says to cook them in a large pan of boiling water. I steam them instead. Basically do them whichever way you like, whichever way you cook potatoes to make mashed potatoes.) Mash potatoes well. Recipe in book now says to blend in sour cream and pepper, I use milk and pepper, whichever you use, mix in until smooth. Place the mince mixture in a deep, ovenproof dish. Top with potato, using a fork to spread it evenly. Bake for 15 minutes or until the top is golden brown.

Any questions, feel free to comment.

Never give up, never surrender

So it turns out that B spending the night away from me is not the end of the world as we know it! :)

Last night and yesterday went really well.

I really didn't know how I would go. The two nights before B went away neither of us slept all that well, I think I averaged 2-3 hours sleep each night.

Yesterday he was up at 5.15am, as he needed to get ready and over to the airport for an early flight. There were quite a few hugs and kisses before he left, and I stayed strong, no tears or anything. I really wanted to show him I could be strong and how much I love him, by not restricting him from things he wants/needs to do.

So he left, and I went back to bed, thinking there was no way I'd be able to sleep. There were a few moments when panic attacks threatened, but I kept it at bay. I read for a bit, then to my surprise I fell asleep and slept till my alarm went off to get ready for work. Good sign that, I thought.

The day at work was kinda tough, my emotions have been all over the shop this week, and quite frequently I felt close to tears. I have a good friend at work, and she has been so supportive this week for me, and told me to call anytime I needed to, she'd be there for me. Which Snoozen also did, which was also great.

I hadn't told Mum and Dad about my fears with B going away, as I thought Mum would tell me I was just being silly, as she has for some things in the past. But when I got home from work, I thought what the heck, I'll let her know. I didn't go into great detail, just how we'd never been apart, I was a bit nervous, but hoped I'd be ok. Then I went to the gym.

My trainer is great. We had a good workout and a good chat. Looks like we will have a friendship as well as a trainer/client relationship. How nice is that! She empathised with my feelings about being alone during the night, and promised to work me hard so I would find it easier to sleep.

Workout done, I headed home, to the part I had been dreading, spending the night alone. When I got home, I checked my emails and Mum had replied with a lovely email saying she totally understood what I was going through, and that she had made up my old bed at their place, so if it got too much I could go sleep there. I really had underestimated her. That email, combined with B, work friend, Snoozen, and trainer friend really really helped me.

I called Mum and Dad, spoke to them for a bit, then talked to B for a bit. By then it was 1opm, too late to watch a movie or anything, so I decided to head to bed and read for a bit. Read for half an hour, then straight to sleep! Woke up a couple of times during the night, but not for very long at all, pretty much slept throughout the whole night.

Woke up this morning feeling pretty proud of myself. While I don't think I'll ever really like it when B goes away, or get away from the feeling that it is just odd to wake up alone, I know now that I can do it when needs be.

Never give up, never surrender ... my new motto.

Home alone

For the first time since B and I moved in together, I'll be home alone tomorrow overnight. B is going to Canberra for work tomorrow, is staying over, back home Friday.

And quite frankly I'm scared. I feel very vulnerable. I didn't sleep much last night, as I'm filled with a sick dread. Who can I turn to if I have a panic attack while he's gone? It's not like he can come back home in the middle of the night if I lose the plot, as he is flying down there.

I tell myself that I can do this, that other things I've been scared of, that I've lost sleep over, I've been able to get through, and get through well.

I worry that I won't be able to sleep. When I was little I was afraid of the dark, and while I'm not now, dark thoughts do seem to be more prevalent at night time.

So fun times for me at the moment, I'm sick of being an "I can't do this" person, but how do I force my mind and body into believing I am capable, I can be strong.

I've booked myself a gym appointment with my trainer from 7-8, and she wants me to do 20min on the treadmill before that. I'm hoping to wear myself out. After, I'll come home, cook myself dinner, and watch a movie, or play on the computer. Then, I'll call B, tell him I love him, and go to bed.

Fingers crossed it all goes well. Any positive thoughts you can send my way, would be much appreciated.

Touching base

So, I'm doing ok. I haven't been drunk since that horrible time between Christmas and New Years. I haven't stuck to the no drinks whatsoever most nights, in that I'll usually have one or two after dinner, but it's an improvement.

Exercise side of things has also improved, working out about 3 times a week now, and I'm starting to notice some definition in some of my muscles, so happy about that.

I'm feeling a bit flat at the moment, been very tired this week. Combination of things, late nights, early wake ups, that time of the month ...

Today I didn't work hard at all at work. Instead of beating myself up about it (which I have been known to do), I see it as just a day when I was very very tired, tomorrow's another day. Had a session with my personal trainer after work, that went well, proud of myself.

Off now to watch Amazing Race, then bedtime for me.

Gym today

This won't be terribly exciting for readers, but I want to keep a log of my exercise.

Wed 2nd Jan:

Gym
Stretches for ten minutes.
X trainer for 30 minutes on level 7, Hill (Around the World setting).
Distance achieved: 5.01 km
Highest heart rate got to: 195 (ouch, gotta work on cardio obviously)

Where to from here ...

I haven't written for a while. Partly due to the craziness that is Christmas time, partly because when I have coherent thoughts I'd like to blog I'm driving or doing something else, and when I actually sit in front of the computer my mind is a blank.

So, what have I been up to, and how have I been?

Christmas - quite frankly went better than I expected. I was dreading it in a way, the idea of having everyone over was a bit daunting. But people chipped in, and it turned out to be quite a relaxed affair. People have told me since that they really enjoyed it, so I take that on board, and am quietly pleased.

Plus, B told me that a present I gave him was the absolute perfect present for him, he really loved it, so hooray! Win for me!

Things haven't been all good though. One day between Christmas and New Year I drank way way too much, had an argument about drinking way way too much, then drank some more. The next day was not a positive day after that, partly because I was so sick from the day before, partly because I knew I'd let myself and B down abominably. Lowest point right there.

So I've had to face the fact that only I can do something about this. Not that I expected anyone to do anything before, but I guess I thought it would magically make itself better. Nothing like sticking your head in the sand, right?

My New Years resolutions (in no particular order) are:

• Most days, alcohol free.
• Days I do have a drink, restrict to no more than 3 standard drinks.
• Exercise regularly, not just the one session a week with the trainer.
• Eat better, make sure fruit and veg are a major part of the diet, not just a side.
• Spend more time with friends and family.
• Be kind to myself.
• Reject negative thoughts, turn them into positive thoughts.
• Be adventurous.
• Be brave.

One day at a time, I can do this.